SomeKindOfNature

Life

Honestly, life has been pretty great. I feel so much motivation in me to get all my stuff sorted out and pursue my life’s goals. I’m going to be a successful person. Not only financially, but in my personal life as well. I feel like the things that have happened in the past couple of weeks has really brought me closer to my friends and thats truly a great feeling. I’m so fortunate to be surrounded by good people with good vibes all the time. i guess we’re all a bunch of lowlifes but at least we’re together and we look out for one another. idk where I would be without them. They put me in such a good mood and that in turn, improves my performance in everything I do with my life. My manager has noticed it and is becoming a lot more serious about my promotion. I was trusted enough to be asked my input in putting together the kitchen for the new restaurant and now shes making me do schedules and all the food orders. I’m eager to learn and i’ve been doing a good job at it. Actually, better than the other guys! She brought me into the office to let me know i was getting a raise to $9.50/hr. It may only be $1.25 more but i’m going to be working 50hrs a week which means i get 20hrs over time per paycheck PLUS my $2/hr cash in tips. i’m gonna have an income of about $2,400 a month. It may not be the best restaurant in the world with the best food but i can learn a lot from being a part of something that is growing fast. But c’mon… i’m 20 years old… how many 20 year olds do you know that run a kitchen and are about to earn their first degree? i’m on a very good track and i’m only getting started. So thank you friends for sticking by my side. We may not come from a lot a money or are able to have our parents pay for a fancy school and actually have to get jobs, but we work hard and stay true to ourselves and that will help us TRULY succeed in the future. but for now… SCV lowlifes for life! :) 

Venting 10/31

Today was filled with ups and downs but mostly ups! I had to go into work this morning in order to get taught how to do the food orders which is the first step in becoming the kitchen manager. it went well and my computer skills helped with doing all the online stuff and my manager was actually impressed :) she talked to me about how she sees me improving a lot and taking more control of what goes on in the kitchen. She said she used to be worried about me not being able to tell people what to and be an asshole when i needed to but she sees that i’m actually starting to turn into one and she likes it… it kinda shocked me because my whole life, i’ve been a sweet guy who got along with everyone but i can see myself actually turning into one slowly. the other day i was talking to a waitress and she said, “cristian isn’t a jerk!” then i responded jokingly, “yes i am…” and my manager stepped in and replied, “then you obviously don’t know him, he is an asshole.” i’ve always known that in this field, you have to be a boss and make asshole moves or yell at people occasionally for people to respect you but i didn’t think it would take control of me without me even noticing. maybe i am an asshole after all.

Then she confided in me about future plans for the restaurant and how they wanted to open up ANOTHER one even though the next one isn’t open yet. Last month, they told me they might open one in Sacramento. I was so excited and told them i would be down to work up there in order to be close to my GF. i thought it was too good to be true and it was just meant to be and i was meant to work up there. When she mentioned it again, she asked if i would still do it if they went through with the plan and i said i didn’t know. i mean what’s the point anymore? If we would have lasted a couple more month, i was going to make that the biggest surprise of them all. we could’ve been together all the time… but i guess theres nothing for me up there anymore.

Halloween was great! Spent the rest of the day with all my friends and we just MOBBED everywhere in 4 cars! Angel and I were greasers, which wasn’t a hard costume to pull off since i get told all the time that i look like one because of my hair and style. We looked so fitted lol. ended the night with a massive hookah session and it was just a good time. No worries, just good friends and good vibes.

I started talking to this girl i knew when i was in HS. We haven’t spoke in a long time but ive always had a crush on her since then and for some reason, she would always be around and stand out to me. Shes cute, has tattoos, has a hipster style, down to earth, loves good food, a bit of tomboy but with a girly side, but i was impressed most of all by her car knowledge! is this girl too good to be true!? We texted all day and for once since like HS, im actually getting butterflies (gay) and i cant stop smiling when we text. I think i’m going for it :))

Happy Halloween! 

But my soul will have to wait.

So im driving with my dad, having a deep conversation about my relationship and why it ended. Then, he tells me to “play that one song by sublime that i like.” he was talking about Santeria. So we listened to it and i remembered her… That was one of our songs and it was the song she had made my ringtone whenever i would call. I started to get chocked up as i listened to the words and sang along to myself. My heart almost stopped from the pain. Fuckin shit.

“what i really wanna know, my baby…
What i really wanna say, i cant define….
Well its love, that i need….
But my soul will have to wait.”

Live and Let live

Im at the point in this breakup where I actually am over you. I find that I dont think about you much anymore and the things you say dont bother me. Im reading this book that talks about breaking up and how to deal with it. I never thought Ide have to resort to a book to help me out, so congrats to you for that. But, the book really helps and it shows me how I need to step back look at myself and pay attention to the self harming things I would do. Not physically, but mentally. i can see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel and im actually happy. My friends are being very supportive and they listen to the things I say. I had 3 friends post stuff about you online. well, 4 but they took it down immediately so I didn’t read what it said. I know they mean well and make me laugh but in my mind, I find myself defending you a bit. everyone texts me or asks me in person what happened between us and i tell them the story but its like theres so much more that i cant think of, and when I try, i ask myself… “why did we break up?” I feel like our relationship was so full of assumptions and I wasn’t entirely sure if they were true or if maybe I was being irrational. I had my assumptions about you talking to your ex but you would always deny it and get mad at me for even asking… its like you would get mad at me to make me feel like the wrong one and make me feel like shit and then I would apologize. but in fact, they were coverups. All of my assumptions came true after you said you got back with Mike. Ever since Angel started working with him, all he would see is that he was texting you. When you went to that concert on saturday, you told me you were going to a kickback after because your jazz friend knew the drummer. you failed to mention that “friend” was Mike. Did he go up there with you? How long has this been going on? i wanted closure just so I can know the truth so I wouldn’t wonder but it doesn’t matter anymore. you would probably lie about it anyways. nothing matters anymore because we’re not getting back together anyways and im okay with that. i forgive you for everything, I really do. you threw away all my shit immediately when you kept Mikes stuff in your room the whole time we were together. Maybe i should post a picture of me throwing away your trombone? naah, i wont stoop to that level. But i know you weren’t a bad person inside. Nobody knew that like I did. I got kinda mad when people who don’t even know you started talking shit about you on facebook but I guess thats just me. I’ll always be the caring guy. To sum it up, I just wanted closure and you didn’t give it to me so now we just have to leave it at that. I never meant to hurt you and im sorry that i did. This will probably be one of my last posts about you. Im happy now. Im working out, Ill be back in school pretty soon, my friends are the best, and i actually look forward to work. So thats it. Live and let live.

Bitter

Ive been trying so hard these past couple of days to get over you in the best way that i can, which is just taking everything head on. You took the easy way out by jumping right back to your ex. I put myself through so much pain but at least I know that i will get over you sooner and in the right way. I’m not mad at you or resent you. IDK why you treat me the way you do… you throw things in my face by posting about how happy you are with your ex and how your life is perfect and how your dad supports your decision. I try to be the mature one and just let you go. you didn’t have to throw my stuff away and post a picture of it and mock me. i don’t have much thats yours, but i put my bracelet in a box. the things i gave you meant a lot to me and you threw it all away like it was nothing. I know you have someone else to talk to now and you don’t feel the pain from the loneliness like I do but I know im a good person and I will come out on top. I did nothing but love you and care too much but you make it out like as if I cheated on you or lied to you. you getting back with him made me think about what our relationship was about. i finally realized that I was just a rebound. When he started posting on your wall, i asked you why he was doing it. you said because its okay now and its not illegal since you’re not his student. i didn’t realize that you meant it was also okay to date him again. I’m glad i was just someone to keep you occupied until you got bored and decided to go back to the one you really wanted. I was used, good job. i really believed that you loved me. I don’t hate you and never will. i’m not bitter and i’m actually getting over you. But please, don’t kick me when i’m down. If you want to live your life with him, do it but just don’t rub it in my face. you’re not making me jealous. and your dad is wrong… I’m not going to struggle to keep up. ill find my way. I’m not worried at all. We will all get what we deserve.  So goodluck to you… Katharine