Its kinda weird how for some reason, girls seem to know when someone become available. The day we broke up, one of my exes texted me, asking me if i was going to her halloween/birthday party. i haven’t talked to her in months but why did she text me that day?? i might actually go. But then, that night i hung out with friends and as i’m walking home at 1am, i get a call from another ex asking to hang out and she would come out here from the valley to hang. i didn’t feel like going home so i did and we just walked around for a couple hours and talked and joked around. she wants me to go to a halloween rave with her. Its was fun, but i couldn’t explain why it had happened. Was this a test or some sort of sign? The point is, i gave in. Yeah, we will see where I end up for halloween.
I woke up in a weird mood today. I had so much on my mind last night and couldn’t stop thinking about you. I’m getting over you and i can see progress. i can see i’m on the final steps and all i need to do now is let go for good. I can do this and I know it. You’re with your EX again and i knew it was gonna happen eventually so its no surprise to me. You guys deserve each other. For so long, i thought i was the one who saved you from that relationship and we were gonna be happy but i always had my doubts. i know you constantly texted him and when i would tell you to stop, you would just lie about it by saying he texts you. it takes 2 to text…. i know you loved him and he was your first big love but i thought we had something a little more special. You promised that you had nothing with him and i warned you about him and yet, you still ended up with him. you told him you wouldn’t try as hard for me as you did for him. you literally told him you weren’t sure if you loved me during our camping trip. i hate to snoop, but isn’t it kind of a coincidence that the few times i’ve looked at your texts, i find something like this? i knew this would happen and like I said, you guys deserve each other. i was the rebound to that relationship and you went right back to him. i talked to your mom last night because i promised you i would offer my help. i offered to return her bike and apologized for what happened to us. She told me she loved me and she prays that we end up together again and that i was the only bf she ever liked… i said i hope so too but it was a lie. Last night i seriously thought about if maybe we could eventually get back together. I’m not saying i would never, but as of right now, i need to get my life back on track. I’m not moving on to anyone else like you are… i’ve seen this before. Its like my relationships are always the same lol. they always try to move on to someone right away but they end up hurt again and talk to me again. well yeah… fuck it. Like you even care.
I feel like i have so much to say but nobody to tell it to. i think i’m just going to start venting here so i have some sort of reference as to how i have progressed these last couple days. its funny but i don’t even feel like talking about it anymore… i feel so secluded and unable to talk to anyone. im trapped in my own mind and cant open up no matter how hard i try. We officially broke up this sunday… the love of my life…. and i’m still in complete shock that its actually over. Its only been 2 days but they’ve been so rough. i’m so frustrated, i hate her, she broke my heart, i couldn’t trust her, but i truly loved her with all my heart. Everything reminds me of her and what we shared. I can even look at my own dog without thinking about how we raised her practically from birth. shes such a beautiful puppy and i can’t help but think that it was the love we shared, and put into her, that made her such a healthy puppy. i honestly thought she was the one for me. i had dreams about moving up there with her and working in a restaurant and just living with he while she went to school and we would spend so much time together and be happy like we’re meant to be. Isn’t that the point of life? to just be happy? we work so hard to reach our goals that we throw our happiness away to get it and lose people on the way. you were my happiness. I’m not a weak or irrational man, but what i felt was so real that it hurt. i fucked up, because i had insecurities. i tried to reach out to you but you pushed me away. i wanted to be reassured but right from the day you moved away, i saw you were giving up. believe me, i tried but you didn’t see that and you pushed me so far… you gave me up for a college life. i wanted to know about how class was going and what i could do to help. instead you went to frat parties, got drunk every weekend, met guys at the parties who wanted to get close to you, and your view was #collegelife #fuckit #yolo. i cant forgive you for the way you treated me and all that shit you said to me. you said you cared but i never felt anything. i fought so hard for you and you threw it away. in the very end, i wished you luck and happiness but you pretty much told me to go to hell. I’m not a bad person. i didn’t deserve to be treated like that. i realize it wasn’t my fault, it was all yours. you fucked up and tried to blame it on me. but don’t worry, i always come out on top. so distract yourself with partying and getting drunk, ill keep on crying everyday and trying to hold myself together. but i will get over you, and maybe then, you’ll realize what you lost.